The EX

Now I have an idea why people make such big deals about exes. You know, stuffs like getting over the ex, dealing with the ex or being friends with the ex. Being the ex. I am an ex. I know that it's stupid -- and silly -- to sound as if my whole life revolved around being somebody's ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. But I can't help it ... that title packs a pretty strong punch. I am now and official member of the "love-and-lost" club. And while it's a title I don't exactly want, I have to admit that it does say something about me.I am an ex. I once loved someone who loved me back. But didn't want to stay ... so I had to let go. I cried. A lot. I spent countless nights wondering what went wrong, muffling my sobs with my pillows so my parents wouldn't suspect that something's amiss. I'd reminisce about our happy times, then break down when I realize that the peron is no longer mine. I analyzed every single detail of our breakup.. I spent my nights in tearful telephone conversations and my days in daydreams where we'd end up in each other's arms again.I told myself that it was all for the better. That this is what's best for the both of us. That this is God's plan. My friends offered similar advice, even a friend doctor but none of which I hadn't heard before: "It's a sign that you're not meant for each other," "When God closes a door, He opens a window," "Someone better is coming for you," "There are so many other fish in the sea," etc..But it didn't work. Because deep down inside of me, I still believed that this person is the one, the only one. And I couldn't understand how this was all for the better when everyday seemed more torturous than the last--not being able to be with him the way I wanted to be, seeing this individual so unaffected, and dealing with my broken-and-smashed heart and my bruised ego. I tried to immerse myself in other activities to forget about... I went out a lot and tire myself to sleep. I filled my schedule with T.V. and movie marathons, and Music Maniax. It worked for a while but then there were times when my mind was cleared of the busy thoughts, I tried to occupy it with those times that I would think of this smashing pumpkin creature. The memory would sneak up to me on tiptoes, catching me in my most vulnerable moments. I tried to show the world that I am OK..that I am over with... that it was fine just being friends. I didn't go around with a big "X" on my forehead, nor did I go around with puffy eyes .I tried to live my life as I knew it before I met this person. People thought that I was doing great.They heard me laugh and they saw me smile; I seemed happy, they said; and I told myself that I am. But in the solace of my room, where I tried to organize my thoughts and sort out my feelings, I had to admit to myself that I am not truly happy. Because I am still yearning for someone, and my heart still ached for something that could not be. It's been a long long time since we broke up.. Surprisingly, things have gotten better. I've changed. Somewhere along the way, I realized that he's not the only one out there for me. I also realized that there were valid, powerful reasons why we split up.. And I've become stronger, older, wiser and a better son of God now, no bitterness. I've loved and lost. I've cried tears for the things that were and that could have been. I've wrestled with intense feelings of love and hate, of jealousy, of frustration. I've simultaneously taken down and brought up my pride. I've tried to rebuild my world without the person whom it used to revolve around. I've tried to save myself from the depths of depression and self-pity, and when I couldn't do that, I turned to God for help.I don't know exactly what I gained, or how much I lost. A year ago i found love- a love may i think will lasts for a lifetime. A better and a real one. A God's well.